I'm Pregnant and I Know it!
No one tells you about all the crappy stuff that comes with pregnancy. I was completely duped into thinking that pregnancy was glorious. Nice skin, long and shiny hair, preferred parking spots, and a beautiful bump that everyone likes to touch.
FALSE.
Reality is you get fat. And for the first few months it is not a cute fat. It is a disgusting bloat fat, fat and you can't fit into your pants and you cry because you know your baby is only the size of a grape and there's no way he/she could be causing this chub so you are just obese for no reason other than the fact that you are HUNGRY. All the freakin' time. And you can eat a 5-course meal. Then throw it up. And eat another one. And that STILL will not satisfy the blackhole that is now your stomach.
You will also love to hate food. "OMG I WANT MEXICAN!!" No you don't. You hate mexican now. Thanks mom for that $20 chimichanga but you can have it. "What, you don't even want it to take home??" Absolutely not.
When you are pregnant you are supposed to drink water by the gallons. That amniotic sac is sucking up all of your liquids like a damn camel and it can't get enough. Well I DON'T LIKE WATER ANYMORE. I don't like vegetables either. So suck it amniotic sac!
And so I don't drink because the smell makes me want to vomit and then I become dehydrated (oh the migraines). I almost faint when Ken brings me 'hiking' (walking up a steep hill) and I tell him he needs to call 911 but take it back because I quickly remember the cost of an ambulance ride. But even without drinking you will need to get up in the middle of the night not once, not twice, but THREE or FOUR times to pee. And these aren't little trinkle pees. They are full force. WHERE is this coming from? DAMN YOU CAMEL I want my sleep schedule back.
Sleep? Hah, nature you are cruel. You know Ilike need my 8 hours. But you are preparing me, huh, for the little devil inside me (I swear I love him) who will keep me from getting my full nights sleep when she's born. Insomnia is a bitch right now. Not to mention those strange dreams...about my husband DYING. Ugh. And now I can't even sleep on my stomach because it's uncomfortable nor my back 'cuz it could kill my baby?! WTF.
But you look so beautiful! No I do not and I actually take offense to this. I look like shit. I refuse to put on make-up anymore and who could blame me? I roll out of bed every morning in misery. MUST EAT AND DRINK NOW. Calm down bambino. I shove some saltines in my mouth, crumbs all over the bed, I don't care. I zombie walk to the toilet. I don't even look in the mirror anymore because I'm scared of crying at what I look like. My face is broken out and my hair is FAR from silky and long. I hate everything that is in the fridge because baby is yelling at me for a McChicken. You have to be kidding me.
Then I have Ken who really is trying. He rubs my belly for about 42 seconds at night and always makes sure I take my vitamin. And then he shyly requests to have sex. Uhhh yeah, just give me 2 minutes. Need to brush me teeth, throw-up from brushing, then pee, try to feel sexy and I'll be right there.
****
In all seriousness I am very lucky to have a supportive husband. I know many women (including my mother) who never got that help and I feel sorry for them. I couldn't, I wouldn't do this alone. And the belly band he got me for my birthday. OMG best invention ever. I now can wear all my old pants without buttoning them but no one can tell. Perfect. He also bought me a maternity dress that is very comfy. I have already decided I will be living in dresses and skirts all summer long.
FALSE.
Reality is you get fat. And for the first few months it is not a cute fat. It is a disgusting bloat fat, fat and you can't fit into your pants and you cry because you know your baby is only the size of a grape and there's no way he/she could be causing this chub so you are just obese for no reason other than the fact that you are HUNGRY. All the freakin' time. And you can eat a 5-course meal. Then throw it up. And eat another one. And that STILL will not satisfy the blackhole that is now your stomach.
You will also love to hate food. "OMG I WANT MEXICAN!!" No you don't. You hate mexican now. Thanks mom for that $20 chimichanga but you can have it. "What, you don't even want it to take home??" Absolutely not.
When you are pregnant you are supposed to drink water by the gallons. That amniotic sac is sucking up all of your liquids like a damn camel and it can't get enough. Well I DON'T LIKE WATER ANYMORE. I don't like vegetables either. So suck it amniotic sac!
And so I don't drink because the smell makes me want to vomit and then I become dehydrated (oh the migraines). I almost faint when Ken brings me 'hiking' (walking up a steep hill) and I tell him he needs to call 911 but take it back because I quickly remember the cost of an ambulance ride. But even without drinking you will need to get up in the middle of the night not once, not twice, but THREE or FOUR times to pee. And these aren't little trinkle pees. They are full force. WHERE is this coming from? DAMN YOU CAMEL I want my sleep schedule back.
Sleep? Hah, nature you are cruel. You know I
But you look so beautiful! No I do not and I actually take offense to this. I look like shit. I refuse to put on make-up anymore and who could blame me? I roll out of bed every morning in misery. MUST EAT AND DRINK NOW. Calm down bambino. I shove some saltines in my mouth, crumbs all over the bed, I don't care. I zombie walk to the toilet. I don't even look in the mirror anymore because I'm scared of crying at what I look like. My face is broken out and my hair is FAR from silky and long. I hate everything that is in the fridge because baby is yelling at me for a McChicken. You have to be kidding me.
Then I have Ken who really is trying. He rubs my belly for about 42 seconds at night and always makes sure I take my vitamin. And then he shyly requests to have sex. Uhhh yeah, just give me 2 minutes. Need to brush me teeth, throw-up from brushing, then pee, try to feel sexy and I'll be right there.
****
In all seriousness I am very lucky to have a supportive husband. I know many women (including my mother) who never got that help and I feel sorry for them. I couldn't, I wouldn't do this alone. And the belly band he got me for my birthday. OMG best invention ever. I now can wear all my old pants without buttoning them but no one can tell. Perfect. He also bought me a maternity dress that is very comfy. I have already decided I will be living in dresses and skirts all summer long.
11 Week belly pic. Hi Cali!
Comments
Post a Comment