The gift of life

As I write, my baby sleeps on her side next to me, snoring of course.

She's honestly too cute, it hurts. I question myself from time to time, "do I deserve this?". And I can't really answer that question.

See the truth is, Kylan was planned. I dreamed of her. We had her name picked out for years. I studied Ken's face and my face and pictured our perfect baby. She would have nice lips, round eyes, high cheekbones, and the nose was a gamble. Regardless, she would be beautiful.

But there was another baby. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that Kylan would be a she and that that baby was a he and his name was Kaden. He wasn't planned. He was a result of our carelessness and immaturity. And I can't let myself go back there, not right now. Maybe not ever. All those raw emotions of anger, guilt, and sadness that I felt in 2008.

Because I have this, now. And that's all that matters.

Motherhood is raw. The feeling deep in the pit of your soul when your baby stares into your eyes, taking you all in is indescribable. I am not the type of person that likes to be "needed." Yet I find myself loving every bit of this helplessness, needy stage of hers. She wants to feed from ME 3 to 4 times a night. Okay, luckily my body supplies her with all the nutrients and antibodies she needs. Check. So she needs ME to listen to her ques for when she's sleepy (rubbing eyes, 'neh, neh' type baby cry, buries face in your body) and to act upon them. Well of course baby girl, mama's here for you, she's read all the books on the 5 S' and can get you to sleep in less than 5 minutes. And then there's the other things that she doesn't ask for but will hopefully appreciate someday like the pictures, all the cute outfits we dressed her in, the blogging, the adventures we went on, the stories we shared. I take this whole "shaping a human being to be a well-rounded, good individual" very seriously, mind you.

There will be a day that my baby doesn't need me to block the sun from her eyes or pick her up when she's sad. I know this. But there's no reason to rush the inevitable. I can't complain about my interrupted sleep or the fact that she doesn't ever want to be put down because I signed up for this and it's temporary. After all  there are women out there that are unable to conceive. And to be blessed not once but twice with the gift of conception, well your damn right I'm going to make the best of it..