My kid is an asshole.
I have rage issues. And so does my child.
Her temperament is biological, I think. Or maybe that's the excuse. But the reality is, she cannot regulate her emotions and same girl, same. If I come home to a messy house, I rage. If you disagree with what I said or what I did, I rage. If you look at me wrongly, I rage.
It's gotten better though, as I've aged. And I want my child to know that she too can learn to live in this world that is always challenging her, always asking her to be someone she's not, creating rules that she disagrees with...without raging.
But for now, there's this:
I am sorry to the children that have been put in my child's path of fury. It was not your fault that you happened to be the girl at the head of the line when my child thought that was her rightful spot so she shoved you into a fence and pulled your hair. And to the parents of said kid who was wrongfully harmed by my child during one of her episodes, I apologize. And I understand why you had to withdraw the invitation to your daughter's birthday party (that one stung).
To the teachers, so many teachers, who have had to handle her outbursts single handedly. There are no words. All the baked goods, all the thank you notes, all the "I'm so deeply sorry" pleas, the begging, the over the top appreciation, all of it will never be enough to repay you for your patience with my strong willed child.
My kid is an asshole. And I'm doing everything right. I'm reading the books. I'm practicing getting down to her level with a calm voice instead of screaming at her. I'm working on "how to talk so that my kid will listen and listen so that my kid will talk." I no longer use physical force (unless it's absolutely necessary - and believe me, sometimes it is). I have put her in therapy. I have met with behavioral specialists. I have had her evaluated by psychologists. I have implemented timeout, rewards systems, token systems, bribery you name it. I've thrown away toys. I've put her to bed at 4:30PM. Hell, I've even joined a support group for strong willed children. I've done it all. My kid is still an asshole.
I worry everyday that the school she's in will no longer accept her behaviors. That one day they will have had enough of her leaving me scrambling to find another place for her because this is our reality and it's happened before... more than once. So thank you to the stranger at Target who validated my concerns with your unsolicited advise, "Oh, no hunny, Catholic school is not the right fit for her. She needs public school resources." Needless to say, I get anxiety every time I pick her up from school, nervous to find out how her day went. Did she hit anyone? Did she run out of the classroom? Was she able to learn anything?
I cling on to the hope that this is just a phase. But I am her mother and she has my DNA and I'm still raging at 30. So I know it's going to be a long uphill battle. But what better person to have on her side then someone who has been in her shoes before? I see her blackout rages where she attempts to break down her bedroom door because she refuses to sleep or throws herself on to the granite floor and cuts her skin open without even realizing it. I see it and I can't help but cry for her. I know the pain she is going through when she is being forced to act the way someone else wants her to act. And I can't wait for the day that she figures out how to channel her big emotions in a productive way.
But for now, there's wine. And days away from my asshole child so that I can recharge.
Her temperament is biological, I think. Or maybe that's the excuse. But the reality is, she cannot regulate her emotions and same girl, same. If I come home to a messy house, I rage. If you disagree with what I said or what I did, I rage. If you look at me wrongly, I rage.
It's gotten better though, as I've aged. And I want my child to know that she too can learn to live in this world that is always challenging her, always asking her to be someone she's not, creating rules that she disagrees with...without raging.
But for now, there's this:
she wanted a toy at target, I said no... she refused to take no as an answer.
I am sorry to the children that have been put in my child's path of fury. It was not your fault that you happened to be the girl at the head of the line when my child thought that was her rightful spot so she shoved you into a fence and pulled your hair. And to the parents of said kid who was wrongfully harmed by my child during one of her episodes, I apologize. And I understand why you had to withdraw the invitation to your daughter's birthday party (that one stung).
To the teachers, so many teachers, who have had to handle her outbursts single handedly. There are no words. All the baked goods, all the thank you notes, all the "I'm so deeply sorry" pleas, the begging, the over the top appreciation, all of it will never be enough to repay you for your patience with my strong willed child.
My kid is an asshole. And I'm doing everything right. I'm reading the books. I'm practicing getting down to her level with a calm voice instead of screaming at her. I'm working on "how to talk so that my kid will listen and listen so that my kid will talk." I no longer use physical force (unless it's absolutely necessary - and believe me, sometimes it is). I have put her in therapy. I have met with behavioral specialists. I have had her evaluated by psychologists. I have implemented timeout, rewards systems, token systems, bribery you name it. I've thrown away toys. I've put her to bed at 4:30PM. Hell, I've even joined a support group for strong willed children. I've done it all. My kid is still an asshole.
I worry everyday that the school she's in will no longer accept her behaviors. That one day they will have had enough of her leaving me scrambling to find another place for her because this is our reality and it's happened before... more than once. So thank you to the stranger at Target who validated my concerns with your unsolicited advise, "Oh, no hunny, Catholic school is not the right fit for her. She needs public school resources." Needless to say, I get anxiety every time I pick her up from school, nervous to find out how her day went. Did she hit anyone? Did she run out of the classroom? Was she able to learn anything?
I cling on to the hope that this is just a phase. But I am her mother and she has my DNA and I'm still raging at 30. So I know it's going to be a long uphill battle. But what better person to have on her side then someone who has been in her shoes before? I see her blackout rages where she attempts to break down her bedroom door because she refuses to sleep or throws herself on to the granite floor and cuts her skin open without even realizing it. I see it and I can't help but cry for her. I know the pain she is going through when she is being forced to act the way someone else wants her to act. And I can't wait for the day that she figures out how to channel her big emotions in a productive way.
But for now, there's wine. And days away from my asshole child so that I can recharge.
If you have a kid like mine, please reach out to me. I need all the support I can get and it helps to know we are not alone.
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