We are working on it.

When I was younger I used to beg and plead for my mom to take off work to come to my parent/teacher conferences. I wanted to show off how smart I was, obvi. But being a single mom, I know now what I didn't understand then - how impossible that was for her. Fortunately, I have a job that allows me the flexibility to attend these school events.

Needless to say, I was annoyingly excited for it. I live for this stuff as a mom. 15 minutes devoted entirely to just speaking about my kid? Yes please, sign me up!

So here I am sitting in the same small chair at the same tiny table that my kid sits at every week day. I'm facing her teacher who's facial expression I can't quite read so instead, I look down at her Jesus on the cross necklace. And, suddenly, I'm nervous.

"Kylan has some work to do with writing and identifying her lowercase letters as well as recognizing phonemes. But what I'd really like to talk to you about today is her behavior." Shifts uncomfortably in seat. (those seats are not made for adult butts I tell you)

She then goes on to break my heart, as nicely as possible, while she discusses how the past 7 weeks have been for them. She brings up Kylan's defiance. The word I know all too well since being loosely diagnosed with ODD - Oppositional Defiance Disorder about a year ago. How she pushes buttons you didn't know you had. Has some uncanny need to kick you when your down. Lacks empathy and is downright cruel and abrasive at times to the point that she is sometimes intimidated by her. That her tantrums prevent her from participating in circle time. Worst of all, she is worried that her behavior is preventing her from making any friends although she can tell she desperately wants to make a genuine friend. Me too, Mrs. L. I want that more than anything.

thankful for Maggie Lu's friendship that feels more like a sisterhood

I went into this meeting with hope and excitement and I left the meeting feeling confused and defeated. My child is unfriendly. My child is disrespectful. My child has no friends. No words you ever want to hear being said about your kid. It was a hard pill to swallow. But this isn't the first time I've had to swallow it. So now begins the work I so desperately hate. It's arguably the worse part of being a parent. D i s c i p l i n e. The behavior charts and reward systems come back out. More timeouts when she's being fresh. More praise when she's kind. Privileges being taken away for bad school days, etc. 

When I get back to Ky after the meeting, I look her in the eyes and I tell her how disappointed I am with her actions and she immediately responds, "I'm sorry Mommy." And my weak ass says, "it's okay. We are going to work on it." So I don't know. Is this all my fault? I know I'm not the nicest person but I still model compassion for others, I think? And maybe I'm not the strictest parent or the best disciplinarian. But I love her fiercely. And that's gotta count for something...right?

In the end, her teacher truly believes in Kylan. She thinks she's smart. She's funny. And she can be as sweet as can be on her good days. She has high hopes for improvement in her behaviors this year but asks that I set more boundaries at home, and so I will. 

We are working on it.