That time I lost two babies...on purpose.
This is a difficult subject to talk about for several reasons. One, because it's one of those "taboo" topics that we're not really supposed to discuss in our society causing feelings of shame from being judged by others. Two, it's very personal. Three, there are people struggling out there with fertility issues and my heart goes out to them. And four, these are unpleasant experiences that I'd rather not relive. And for that reason alone, I must share it. Because writing is my therapy and repressing memories is unhealthy. So alas, here are my abortion stories.
The first time it happened I was 20 years old. It was at the start of my junior year of college. October actually. Halloween if we want to get even more specific. The details are foggy now, 10 + years later. But I do remember walking sheepishly past the protesters with their pro-life picket signs shouting "children are a gift from God!" while trying to avoid eye contact and wondering, "Do they know? They must know."
My mom, my rock that day, stood with me side by side as we walked into Planned Parenthood and took a seat in the waiting room. She calmly reassured me that everything was going to be alright. They called me in, they did the procedure, and I went on my way. I couldn't bare to go back to school that day. So I came home to New Hampshire instead and cried myself to sleep.
The second time I was 28 years old. Matt and I had only been dating for less than a year. My period was irregular to non-existent with the mirena/IUD so I thought nothing of it when it didn't show up at the anticipated time of the month. It wasn't until a couple weeks later that Matt insisted I get tested. So he bought a big ass case of pregnancy strips, just to be safe. I peed on one stick (because that's all you need) and in less than a second it showed up positive. I was LIVID. Why is this happening to me? AGAIN? I am on birth control this time. I have a friggen IUD inside my uterus. This can't be real life. WHY OH WHY!?
Matt and I, living over an hour away from each other, ambivalent about our future together, now had to have the awkward discussion of what it meant for me to be pregnant. We stayed up late talking through our options, "Well if you decide to keep it then we have to move in together obviously but this is just terrible timing with me having starting a new job, fuck..." It was a really sexy time in our relationship.
I will say, for a commitment phobe, Matt seriously stepped up to the plate that week. He was there when the doctor told me the pregnancy was ectopic and that I must abort it or run the risk of the pregnancy rupturing my fallopian tube and me dying. He was there with me the day they gave me the medication to miscarry on my own. He held my hand while the doctor stuck her cold fingers up my vagina to insert the abortion pills. He stayed home with me as I mourned yet another loss.
The fist time around I admit I was careless. But the second time around was somewhat out of my control. In both situations, I am forever grateful for Roe v. Wade, Planned Parenthood and for my right to choose. I am not proud of all the decisions I made in the past. And where the F did that damn IUD go anyway if it wasn't inside of me? But what I do know, is that the child I have now, the one I birthed, she is my greatest blessing in life and had that first pregnancy termination not happened, who knows if she would exist.
This is my life that I created with my own choices and free will. No one should ever get to dictate my decisions. Therefore, I choose to live my life with no regrets. Go ahead Karen, judge all you want.
The first time it happened I was 20 years old. It was at the start of my junior year of college. October actually. Halloween if we want to get even more specific. The details are foggy now, 10 + years later. But I do remember walking sheepishly past the protesters with their pro-life picket signs shouting "children are a gift from God!" while trying to avoid eye contact and wondering, "Do they know? They must know."
My mom, my rock that day, stood with me side by side as we walked into Planned Parenthood and took a seat in the waiting room. She calmly reassured me that everything was going to be alright. They called me in, they did the procedure, and I went on my way. I couldn't bare to go back to school that day. So I came home to New Hampshire instead and cried myself to sleep.
The second time I was 28 years old. Matt and I had only been dating for less than a year. My period was irregular to non-existent with the mirena/IUD so I thought nothing of it when it didn't show up at the anticipated time of the month. It wasn't until a couple weeks later that Matt insisted I get tested. So he bought a big ass case of pregnancy strips, just to be safe. I peed on one stick (because that's all you need) and in less than a second it showed up positive. I was LIVID. Why is this happening to me? AGAIN? I am on birth control this time. I have a friggen IUD inside my uterus. This can't be real life. WHY OH WHY!?
Matt and I, living over an hour away from each other, ambivalent about our future together, now had to have the awkward discussion of what it meant for me to be pregnant. We stayed up late talking through our options, "Well if you decide to keep it then we have to move in together obviously but this is just terrible timing with me having starting a new job, fuck..." It was a really sexy time in our relationship.
I will say, for a commitment phobe, Matt seriously stepped up to the plate that week. He was there when the doctor told me the pregnancy was ectopic and that I must abort it or run the risk of the pregnancy rupturing my fallopian tube and me dying. He was there with me the day they gave me the medication to miscarry on my own. He held my hand while the doctor stuck her cold fingers up my vagina to insert the abortion pills. He stayed home with me as I mourned yet another loss.
The fist time around I admit I was careless. But the second time around was somewhat out of my control. In both situations, I am forever grateful for Roe v. Wade, Planned Parenthood and for my right to choose. I am not proud of all the decisions I made in the past. And where the F did that damn IUD go anyway if it wasn't inside of me? But what I do know, is that the child I have now, the one I birthed, she is my greatest blessing in life and had that first pregnancy termination not happened, who knows if she would exist.
This is my life that I created with my own choices and free will. No one should ever get to dictate my decisions. Therefore, I choose to live my life with no regrets. Go ahead Karen, judge all you want.
Oh my Goddess.... this must have been a very difficult post to write. Words cannot express how much I appreciate your honesty and shamelessness. It is understandable yet dangerously unfortunate how one of the biggest topics in society, among women, is Abortion... (and I say that with compassion and benevolence) Your bravery and strength is outstandingly empowering. Thank you again for sharing. Love you forever <3
ReplyDeleteThanks for understanding. Love you too <3
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