On learning and growing

As a child I studied the shit out of motherhood.

I watched as moms overlooked their children playing at the playground. I observed the helicopter parents. The ones that were constantly telling their kids to “be careful” and “don’t touch that” while anxiously counting down the seconds until they could get out of this germ-infested-disaster-waiting-to-happen place. I thought to myself “I’m never going to be that mom.”

I envied my friends with those moms I thought had it “all figured out.” At lunchtime their kids had a heart-shaped sandwiches with a hand-written love-you note and get this, STICKERS. I could just picture my friends running off the bus joyfully awaiting a nice big hug from a smiling mom in an apron with freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.” And this was before the days of social media so they couldn’t even instagram/brag about their awesomeness. I’m so going to be that mom,” I believed.

And then reality sank in.

I am not that mom, I am only the mom I know how to be. We need to stop comparing ourselves to others. If that attachment-parenting type of mom wants to breastfeed and co-sleep until her baby is not a baby anymore. Good for her! If that betty crocker mom wants to spend all her free time knitting booties and baking, Good for her! Do you and I’ll do me. At the end of the day, if you are showing up to motherhood, really being present with your kid, that’s all that matters. As you get older you realize that what someone portrays to the outside world is almost always an inflated version of themselves anyway.

Nonetheless, Mom guilt is powerful. It’s with you when you are at work, out with friends, or doing nothing (that’s the worse) and your child is being watched by someone that is not you. It’s with you after screaming at the top of your lungs when your child smears blueberries all over the carpets or gets into your makeup and your blush is all over the walls, blankets, and her. It creeps up on you when you’ve spent the past hour watching tv while letting her play on your phone watching YouTube videos. And it’s fully present when you grab her forcefully and almost pull her arm out of its socket after she just threw a tantrum laying in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store because she refuses to sit in the cart.

“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.” 
― Pema Chödrön

I have failed at this parenting thing a lot. What does that mean -- To fail when no one is truly holding you accountable? Unlike a normal job where you have a boss checking in and tracking your progress (or lack thereof), motherhood does not have set standards. Yes, you should be brushing your kids’ teeth everyday maybe twice a day. But who’s checking? And of course, you should be packing a balanced, healthy meal and teaching your kids about proper diet and exercise. Sure, whatever.

Personally what keeps me motivated to be the best mom that I can be? My daughter. She’s looking up to me to raise her to be the best she can be. To fulfill all that potential people talk about. Live the dreams she is beginning to conspire as she watches my.every.waking.move. So I learn from those feelings of disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, fear, etc. They are here to teach me how to be a better mother, a better person.

What motivates you? Find it. Tap into it. Share it. And let others learn from your ways.