FIVE.

I've been spending my days deep in the archives of my external hard drive. I stare at baby pictures in hopes of reliving a time when your wrinkly toes would curl up upon my finger's touch. My favorite infant reflex. I close my eyes tight to replay a memory of your wobbly first steps and blink to remember you carrying your tricycle up a hill refusing assistance. Stubborn since birth, I tell ya.

It must be your birth month. I'm not crying, you're crying. 

But you were only just four a moment ago. Where does the time go?

Four was fun. It was also really frickin' hard and exhausting but I have yet to find a year that hasn't been difficult in motherhood. You're a challenge Ky and I wouldn't want it any other way. What's life without a little bit of a challenge anyway? Recently I called you my "baby girl" and you promptly snapped back, "I'm your daughter. Not your baby. I can't be both." I disagree, my love, but I'll let you win this battle this time.

She's quite the storyteller. You recapped to me vividly a moment you were seemingly so proud of, "MOM, yesterday when I was at school and I was in the bathroom alllll by myself, I had poop on my fingers and so I washed them with soap." Thanks for that tidbit Ky. 

I adore your expressiveness. You give me unprompted "I love yous" quite frequently. You also keep me in check when I'm not "talking politely" or using my manners. You ask me really good questions that make me think hard. Like "why do you have curly hair?" or "why am I human and Molly is a dog?" Speaking of Molly and questions, I don't always give the correct response when you catch me off guard. For instance, that time you asked why Molly has to have surgery so I showed you a video of a dog being cut open to remove its ovaries. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I traumatized you for life with that one...

Lately you have been curious about the split custody arrangement your father and I have. "Are you picking me up or is Dada?" you ask me after school drop off to which I responded "Dada" and you shouted "BUT you only picked me up one day! Not two days!" I understand your need for stability, structure, and routine. In fact, it's my number one concern. And there are days where I question if we are doing it right. Is the back and forth between two homes making you too anxious? Fortunately, your father and I work closely when it comes to making important decisions about how you are being raised.

This year you had to be removed from another school because of your behavior. The first time this happened we chalked it up to the school not being the right fit. But this second time has had us questioning everything. Are you too smart? Are the teachers just not understanding your needs? Do you need more one on one attention? Is homeschooling the answer? Are you too immature for the demands of school? Nine hours is a long day. You must be tired. Or is it something more than that? Maybe ADHD? It's been a long road, and we still don't have the right answers but we have faith they will come to us as we meet with specialists and continue to understand how your brain functions. (She got first stitches this year. She threw a tantrum at school because her teacher wouldn't get her water bottle so she flailed her body back, as she does, and hit her head against a sharp table end

I sit here, with my glass of wine and sappy playlist reminiscing about all you have come to be and dreaming about all that you are yet to be. You are inquisitive. You are weird and hilarious. You can be shy at first but bold at second chance. You do not like to follow the rules, in fact you prefer to be the leader. Your baby dolls are your life. So are your people - Dada, Mama, Grammy, Mimi, Matt, Katie, TiTi, Aunty, JoaAAana, Maggie and Granty. You choose your people wisely and do not invite friends in easily. I like that about you. I hope you feel loved and accepted for all your quirks and gifts. You are a unique soul my Kylan Grace <3

A tad shy at her Christmas caroling party

Apparently you already got the same toy at your dad's and you weren't too happy about it. We are still working on showing gratitude..

 This was you first time flying and you did amazing. Besides kicking the lady's seat in front of you. I forever cherish these memories of eating papaya from Grandpa's trees and swimming in the warm Peurto Rican waters before hurricane Irma and Maria had its way with the beautiful island.

And we came back to snow of course.

 Her first race. We showed up late. As such, she was shoved into the boys ages 6-8 division. She thinks she won. That's all that mattered.

We tried out karate but she only lasted 3 lessons...

As you say to me: "you're my favorite girl." And that will never change.