On making the most difficult decision of my life.
"Are you really never going to therapy again?"
"Never again, Kayla"
"Ugh just the way you said my name pisses me off. I hate you. We are getting a divorce."
After years of confusion, ups and downs, just downright chaos I felt free for the very first time. We had gone down this path countless times before. Like that one time when I was 17 and we were in a pay-by-the-hour hotel in the Bronx drunk off of liquor we overpaid a stranger to buy us because were minors. I slept in the tub because I couldn't stand to be in the same bed as him. And then there was the other time I tried to get him to pull over and when he didn't I opened up the door and jumped out of the car while it was moving. I did a sort of tuck and roll with not quite the grace of a Charlie's Angels but I like to think it looked pretty bad-ass to an on-looker. I can joke now. Because, a year later, I can finally say I'm healed, for the most part. And in taking that leap, packing up my stuff and dividing our things, figuring out the parenting plan, finding my own apartment, I found that I am stronger than I ever knew and I learned, a lot.
It's not all about us.
Kylan had nothing and everything to do with this very tough life decisionI we were about to make. She needs routine and stability at this age. How is this going to affect her? How is she going to like going back and forth to different homes? What about when we start dating? He better ask me to meet her before he introduces her to Kylan! And don't even get me started on holidays...
People are going to judge you.
They didn't see the uncomfortable tension that became our normal. They didn't see how forced our relationship was and how much effort it took to keep up with appearances. Why would they have? We had years of practice to be able to hide it from them. So when the news was finally "public" I was the target. "How could she?! She needs to work this out with you -- for Kylan." I gradually came to accept the fact that they were hurting too. And that is okay. We are all going to get through this, someday.
The good news is, they'll get over it. Eventually.
Change is good.
Growing and developing are what we are put on this planet to do. Without change we remain stagnant and boring. It is not a bad thing to want more out of life. And when the universe is telling you that it's time to let go, do it. The unknown is not as terrifying as a life full of regrets. Time is too precious to be wasted.
Time heals all wounds.
The heartache will eventually dissipate into a different feeling -- one of mourning and longing for the memories that never go away. At the end of our lives we will draw upon these memories and smile happily to ourselves. We fucking lived. And I can honestly say that in my 9 year relationship with this man, that is exactly what we did. Growing up together and all the awkwardness that comes with it, we learned how to communicate positively in a way that neither of our parents showed us how to do. We learned how to be partners to each other. To both give and receive and rely on each other as if we were all that mattered in the world. But most importantly, we learned how to love, passionately and intensely. I feel blessed to have gotten to know this man in the way that I did and to share the ultimate gift in this world with him -- our daughter.
There are days that the guilt gets the best of me. Over the fact that she is a child of divorce. That she left her favorite toy at her father's house and she wants to play with it and "it's not fair" that she has two homes. That we will have separate vacations and memories will be made in new and exciting places that I will not take part in. That one day she may be at her father's house when she gets her period for the first time and all she wants is her mother. And I cannot be there.
But what I really regret is that she will never witness the love her father and I had for each other. Because in strategically choosing to separate while she was so young, I knew she was going to have no memories of her parents actually being in love. My solace is in the fact that our love lives on within her. She is everything we had been fighting for and holding on to. And in seeing Ken become a father and the way he shows his love to her -- so natural and genuine -- it confirms to me that it was all worth it.
"Never again, Kayla"
"Ugh just the way you said my name pisses me off. I hate you. We are getting a divorce."
After years of confusion, ups and downs, just downright chaos I felt free for the very first time. We had gone down this path countless times before. Like that one time when I was 17 and we were in a pay-by-the-hour hotel in the Bronx drunk off of liquor we overpaid a stranger to buy us because were minors. I slept in the tub because I couldn't stand to be in the same bed as him. And then there was the other time I tried to get him to pull over and when he didn't I opened up the door and jumped out of the car while it was moving. I did a sort of tuck and roll with not quite the grace of a Charlie's Angels but I like to think it looked pretty bad-ass to an on-looker. I can joke now. Because, a year later, I can finally say I'm healed, for the most part. And in taking that leap, packing up my stuff and dividing our things, figuring out the parenting plan, finding my own apartment, I found that I am stronger than I ever knew and I learned, a lot.
It's not all about us.
Kylan had nothing and everything to do with this very tough life decision
People are going to judge you.
They didn't see the uncomfortable tension that became our normal. They didn't see how forced our relationship was and how much effort it took to keep up with appearances. Why would they have? We had years of practice to be able to hide it from them. So when the news was finally "public" I was the target. "How could she?! She needs to work this out with you -- for Kylan." I gradually came to accept the fact that they were hurting too. And that is okay. We are all going to get through this, someday.
The good news is, they'll get over it. Eventually.
Change is good.
Growing and developing are what we are put on this planet to do. Without change we remain stagnant and boring. It is not a bad thing to want more out of life. And when the universe is telling you that it's time to let go, do it. The unknown is not as terrifying as a life full of regrets. Time is too precious to be wasted.
Time heals all wounds.
The heartache will eventually dissipate into a different feeling -- one of mourning and longing for the memories that never go away. At the end of our lives we will draw upon these memories and smile happily to ourselves. We fucking lived. And I can honestly say that in my 9 year relationship with this man, that is exactly what we did. Growing up together and all the awkwardness that comes with it, we learned how to communicate positively in a way that neither of our parents showed us how to do. We learned how to be partners to each other. To both give and receive and rely on each other as if we were all that mattered in the world. But most importantly, we learned how to love, passionately and intensely. I feel blessed to have gotten to know this man in the way that I did and to share the ultimate gift in this world with him -- our daughter.
There are days that the guilt gets the best of me. Over the fact that she is a child of divorce. That she left her favorite toy at her father's house and she wants to play with it and "it's not fair" that she has two homes. That we will have separate vacations and memories will be made in new and exciting places that I will not take part in. That one day she may be at her father's house when she gets her period for the first time and all she wants is her mother. And I cannot be there.
But what I really regret is that she will never witness the love her father and I had for each other. Because in strategically choosing to separate while she was so young, I knew she was going to have no memories of her parents actually being in love. My solace is in the fact that our love lives on within her. She is everything we had been fighting for and holding on to. And in seeing Ken become a father and the way he shows his love to her -- so natural and genuine -- it confirms to me that it was all worth it.
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